We have a baby!

The last thing I wrote about was being disappointed and frustrated with my body. While those feelings were so very true then, I can happily say they are no longer present. My body kicked ass. We have a wonderful, healthy daughter. I'm so thankful for that.

We decided on my doctor's appointment on the 18th of March to proceed with a c-section. My body hadn't made any changes and wasn't showing any signs of labor. Eleanor was still floating and didn't seem to want to descend at all. The waiting and wondering was driving me crazy. I was worried about how our little girl was doing in there. My doctor was concerned with her size and continued aging. I could have pushed harder to still try for an induction, but I trusted my doctor and my body. The fact that there was no sign of impending labor felt like a warning sign to me, and I mostly just wanted to know my baby was okay.

My doctor scheduled the c-section for the next day. I wasn't quite prepared for it to be that soon, but he was eager to get her out. The rest of that Monday was crazy. There were so many things to do. I had to completely rethink what I was taking to the hospital and what my expectations were. We rushed trying to finish last minute house projects. I tried not to think about it too much because it made me nervous.

We were scheduled to be at the hospital at 11:30 on Tuesday, the 19, to start the process of having our baby. The c-section was scheduled for 1:30. I couldn't eat anything that morning so I mostly took my time getting ready, thinking about big changes, and having one crazy breakdown in the shower where I was convinced that I was going to die. No seriously. I was that terrified. I even wrote letters to D and Eleanor just in case. I didn't share my fear with anyone really. I mean, D knew, but we didn't talk about it. It was because I didn't want anyone to accidentally confirm that I wasn't crazy and something could go wrong. It was better to keep telling myself that I am crazy and over react to things.

Once we left for the hospital, the fear started to dissipate. I had to have a c-section. I had to have my baby. There was no turning back. At the hospital, I met my amazing nurse, Brandy. She was super sweet and really tried to put me at ease. She was also super great at interacting with D and his mom, who I had decided could also be in the room. She did mess up on the first IV attempt but was very apologetic and rocked the second one.

My doctor got there a bit before 1:30 and I signed all the final papers. They took me back to put in the spinal block. It's funny really... they have to roll you back to the operating room in a bed, but then they make you walk into the operating room. The table is very slim and I had to sit with my back hunched over and my knees straight out for the spinal block. I was alone for this part, besides two nurses and the anesthesiologist. Part of the reason I was originally so opposed to a c-section was because I was terrified of any kind of epidural or spinal block. I was so nervous about something going wrong with it and the fact that I wouldn't be able to feel or control my body caused so much anxiety. This is the one part I have a little regret about. Everyone in the room got very quiet and and I knew something wasn't quite right. I felt myself getting more and more nervous, and wanted so badly to know what was going on, but was afraid to ask. It turns out, it just took a few attempts, which isn't that surprising, but it would have made me feel better to know that while sitting uncomfortably on an operating table while a baby burrowed into my ribs.

After the spinal block was in, things started moving very quickly. My hospital doesn't tie your hands down which I was so thankful for, but they do put them out on these little side arm things. I could see my body reflected in the overhead light, so I watched them as they taped me into position and washed me off with iodine. It was weird because I could see it and knew it was happening but had very little in the way of sensation.

My doctor and the other doctors and nurses came in very shortly after that. The first thing my doctor did was come over and ask me if I was ok. I was completely fine but the fact that he asked made me feel really safe or something. I am forever thankful that I found him from a random internet search. I did start to feel like I couldn't breath, but Brandy had warned me that would happen, and also explained that I could look at one of the machines and see that my oxygen level was actually fine. The fact that she explained it in advance kept me so much calmer than I otherwise would have been.

Soon after my doctor came in, D and his mom got to join. D was right by my shoulder, touching my face, and asking me if I was okay. His presence made me so much more comfortable. Things started moving so fast then that everything seems to get a little hazy. I do remember trying to tell D about hearing my doctor ask someone to hold something and knowing that it was probably some surgical instrument but having this mental image of it being some organ. He couldn't really hear me though... I think he was overwhelmed by everything going on in the room. It seems like it was mere seconds and my doctor was saying, "I have my hand on your baby." She had the cord wrapped around her neck twice. We think that's probably why she never descended. Honestly, I feel like something bad may have happened had I pushed for a vaginal delivery instead. Eleanor and my body knew more than I did in this case.

The anesthesiologist placed a mirror so I could see my doctor take Eleanor out. It was the single most amazing moment of my life. I probably would not have opted for the mirror in advance but I am so glad I didn't miss it. It wasn't gross or disgusting. It was my baby, safe and finally here. I don't think I stopped crying or uttering the words "that's my baby" until they finally took her out of the operating room and into recovery.

D got to go over with her while they cleaned her up and he got to cut her cord. He has a phobia about all things related to blood and needles. During my pregnancy, he had been very ambivalent about cutting the cord at all. I was so proud that he did. He did report back that it was much tougher to get through than he had imagined it would be. Once she was clean, she was brought back to my side and I got to touch her and kiss her. I definitely didn't want to let her go.

She did have to be taken out to the recovery room though. D and his mom got to go with her. Meanwhile, the doctors finished closing me up. I couldn't feel anything but pressure and kind of tugging, but at one point it did feel like a hard punch into my upper right abdomen. That was probably the worst moment of the actual c-section.

It wasn't very long before I was wheeled into recovery room and Eleanor was immediately placed on my chest. We had an hour to ourselves, to get acquainted. The three of us. D did call his dad and my aunt while we were there. I got Ella to latch on and eat. The hour was over way too soon and they took her away, again accompanied by D, for a bath and some eye ointment. I got very antsy when she was gone that time, to the point that I made D's mom go and find out where my baby was. Turns out they were also doing a lot of paperwork and such.

It was maybe two hours that we were in recovery before I was finally wheeled to my room. I still couldn't move my lower body, even though I was starting to be able to feel more. It took until the next day for me to start really feeling in control again. Having the IV and other things removed helped a ton with that though. The hospital stay went by really quickly and I was so excited to go home. MY doctor came in on day three, and asked when I wanted to go home. I kind of shocked D when I was like right now. D and I had talked about it briefly beforehand and I hadn't been able to make up my mind one way or the other. But for some reason, when the doctor asked, I knew I wanted to go home with our baby.

I have been insanely lucky up to now. My recovery has been easy, and two weeks post partum, I feel incredible. I am more worried about accidentally pushing myself too hard because I keep forgetting that I had abdominal surgery two weeks ago.

Eleanor's birth was not at all what I had imagined, but it was exactly what it was supposed to be. I'm so happy to have my sweet girl and am incredibly happy with the way that everything went.

8lbs 10oz, 20 in, perfect 

Welcome Eleanor!

Eleanor West Pendergrass

Born on March 19 at 2:26pm

8 pounds and 10 ounces

20 inches long

We are currently enjoying getting to know our new daughter. As things continue to settle, the blog will once again start functioning. 

Frustration and Disappointment

Fair warning- this post may get a little whiny and woe is me. I realize things could be so much worse, and I am thankful that they are not. However, that doesn't make my current situation any less frustrating, disappointing, or scary. 

I've know my entire life that I wanted a baby. It was never an if question for me, it was always just a when. I questioned if I would get married and do the typical "grown up" things, but I was always sure that a child would be in my future. I have spent a lot of time researching and thinking about my perfect birth experience  Don't get me wrong, I know that a birth can't really be planned and that there were numerous things that could happen to keep me from getting the natural, easy birth I wanted. I was prepared to not be able to handle the pain and get an epidural. I was prepared to give up my ideal free movement labor in order to be monitored for 20 minutes every hour. I was not prepared for a body that just won't go into labor. 

My pregnancy has mostly been smooth sailing. There was nothing to hint that my labor wouldn't be also. But here I am. 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant and not a single sign of ever going into labor. Eleanor still hasn't engaged at all, so my doctor doesn't feel like an induction would work. He is pushing for a cesarean. I'm terrified. That was really the one option that I was so opposed to. I was also so sure that it wouldn't come to that, or at least, that if it did, it would be more of an emergency and I wouldn't have time to think about it. 

I'm worried about my placenta starting to age, the increased risk of the baby having a bowel movement, or just something going wrong and not knowing. Those things make me want to do anything to get her out. But at the same time, I truly believe that a woman's body was made to give birth. Maybe my kid just needs more time? It seems like there are no good answers right now and I have no clue what to do. 

I'm so disappointed in my body. I feel like it is failing at doing the one thing it had been really good at so far. For now, I'm just going to keep trying all of the things I know of that are risk free and could induce labor. We go back to the doctor on Monday. I'm hoping and praying that she comes before then because I feel like there is no good choice for me to make right now. Ultimately, I just want a healthy baby. 

40 Weeks (and some days) - Update

First off, please forgive the lack of picture. I've been busy being sad that I don't have a baby. This mostly results in a refusal to put on anything but pajamas. It also doesn't help that I feel huge and the complete opposite of attractive right now. As much as I have loved being pregnant, I am ready to get this baby out. However, I want her to be ready to, and she apparently isn't yet. 

Countdown: Eleanor was due on Monday, the 11th. 

Baby size: At an ultrasound on my due date they guessed she weighed 8 pounds and 9 ounces. She could be up to 22in long. My what to expect app now says she is the size of a small pumpkin 

Symptoms: I think I lost my mucus plug last Saturday but that's pretty much the only sign I have had that I could potentially go into labor soon. The baby has also been really active, which is nice since there is a slight increased fear with overdue babies that something bad could happen before they are  born to cause them to be stressed. 

Cravings: I'm still on a sweet tea kick. I don't know why but for some reason it's the most delicious thing in the world lately.  

Best Moment of the Week: D'e mom got her Wednesday. She has been so sweet and helpful. I won the mother in law lottery I think. 

Worst Moment of the Week: Anticipating the due date and not knowing how much longer my doctor would give before trying an induction was probably the worst. If it comes down to it, I am fine with being induced if it is in the best interest of my baby, but I also know that inductions lead to higher c-section rates, and that scares the crap out of me. 

What I am Looking Forward to: Having a baby! One way or another she has to come soon, right? 

Waiting...

At my last doctor's appointment, I was measuring ahead by a few weeks. The doctor got a little concerned over how big the baby could be getting. Personally, I just think she was in a weird position. But I can understand the concern.

If she doesn't come out this weekend, we will probably start talking about induction on Monday. That scares me a little because I know if the induction possibilities don't work, the doctor is probably going to start pushing for a c-section. That's really not what I want. I know that the doctor is just trying to do what is best for the situation but I have faith that my body can do this on it's own. Its not let me down so far throughout this pregnancy.

I'm going to do all of the things I can think of that may start labor (and have no negative side effects). Sex, spicy foods, walking, and pretty much anything else that might help. I'm trying to stay busy to keep from going crazy. Waiting on your body to go into labor can be a little stressful. Every little twinge starts to seem like it might be something and I get hopeful, but then nope.

Habits

Lately, I've been thinking about my mom pretty often. I miss her so much, especially now that I am about to have a daughter on my own. I wish that I could ask her all the questions that I never thought to when she was still alive.

Most of my thoughts have centered on things she taught me when I was growing up, especially the habits that she passed on without meaning to or even being aware of it probably. They are mostly little things, like she never used wooden spoons. I've never really used them either. I'm sure that wasn't a conscious decision on her part, just a preference that she passed on.

Some other habits that I picked up from my mom:

1. Cluttered tables in the living room are the worst. Everything can be messy and it's fine, but a cluttered table makes me feel like the whole room is disgusting. 
2. It's better to keep soda in the fridge so you don't have to use much ice when you drink it. 
3. There has to be a napkin of some sort with every meal or snack. 
4. Candles are appropriate for everyday use. 
5. Colgate toothpaste is better than all the other brands. 
6. Things just aren't as clean if the cleaner you are using isn't lemon scented. 

See? They are mostly all just silly, little things. I'm sure there are still some things I do that I don't even realize are learned behaviors until someone asks why. I never noticed all the little learned habits until D and I started living together. There were a lot of debates between us about the right way to do things and the basic answer for both of us much of the time was "well, that's way my parents did it". 

It makes me want to be much more aware of all of my behaviors, especially since I am days away from having a baby. I only want Eleanor to pick up the best habits from D and I. I don't want to unintentionally be setting a bad example for her. It's weird to think that there is going to be this little person that I have such a huge impact on, even when I'm not actively trying to. It definitely makes me want to clean up my act some. 

39 Weeks - Update

Countdown: 6 days! 

Baby size: She weighs upwards of 6.5lbs and could be 22in long. 

Symptoms: I'm having a bit of pain in my pelvic area. It is especially bad when I get up in the middle of the night or in the morning. 

Cravings: I'm so tired of eating. I feel like I am always hungry. The only things I have really wanted lately are sweet tea and ice cream. I've rarely given in to the craving though. 

Best Moment of the Week: As predicted, Saturday night was great. We went to a British pub in Hollywood to celebrate Arlie's birthday followed by a show at Comedy Sportz! We have the best roommate and it was nice to meet some more of her friends and catch up with ones we already knew. 

Worst Moment of the Week: I don't know that there was any one worst moment of this week. Mostly, just a lot of anticipation and paranoia. Typical for a first time mom I'm sure. 

What I am Looking Forward to: D's mom arrives Wednesday. I'm very lucky in the sense that I LOVE my in-laws, his mom especially. I'm excited to get a few days with her pre-baby. I'm hoping Ella arrives over the weekend.