Frustration and Disappointment

Fair warning- this post may get a little whiny and woe is me. I realize things could be so much worse, and I am thankful that they are not. However, that doesn't make my current situation any less frustrating, disappointing, or scary. 

I've know my entire life that I wanted a baby. It was never an if question for me, it was always just a when. I questioned if I would get married and do the typical "grown up" things, but I was always sure that a child would be in my future. I have spent a lot of time researching and thinking about my perfect birth experience  Don't get me wrong, I know that a birth can't really be planned and that there were numerous things that could happen to keep me from getting the natural, easy birth I wanted. I was prepared to not be able to handle the pain and get an epidural. I was prepared to give up my ideal free movement labor in order to be monitored for 20 minutes every hour. I was not prepared for a body that just won't go into labor. 

My pregnancy has mostly been smooth sailing. There was nothing to hint that my labor wouldn't be also. But here I am. 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant and not a single sign of ever going into labor. Eleanor still hasn't engaged at all, so my doctor doesn't feel like an induction would work. He is pushing for a cesarean. I'm terrified. That was really the one option that I was so opposed to. I was also so sure that it wouldn't come to that, or at least, that if it did, it would be more of an emergency and I wouldn't have time to think about it. 

I'm worried about my placenta starting to age, the increased risk of the baby having a bowel movement, or just something going wrong and not knowing. Those things make me want to do anything to get her out. But at the same time, I truly believe that a woman's body was made to give birth. Maybe my kid just needs more time? It seems like there are no good answers right now and I have no clue what to do. 

I'm so disappointed in my body. I feel like it is failing at doing the one thing it had been really good at so far. For now, I'm just going to keep trying all of the things I know of that are risk free and could induce labor. We go back to the doctor on Monday. I'm hoping and praying that she comes before then because I feel like there is no good choice for me to make right now. Ultimately, I just want a healthy baby. 

Waiting...

At my last doctor's appointment, I was measuring ahead by a few weeks. The doctor got a little concerned over how big the baby could be getting. Personally, I just think she was in a weird position. But I can understand the concern.

If she doesn't come out this weekend, we will probably start talking about induction on Monday. That scares me a little because I know if the induction possibilities don't work, the doctor is probably going to start pushing for a c-section. That's really not what I want. I know that the doctor is just trying to do what is best for the situation but I have faith that my body can do this on it's own. Its not let me down so far throughout this pregnancy.

I'm going to do all of the things I can think of that may start labor (and have no negative side effects). Sex, spicy foods, walking, and pretty much anything else that might help. I'm trying to stay busy to keep from going crazy. Waiting on your body to go into labor can be a little stressful. Every little twinge starts to seem like it might be something and I get hopeful, but then nope.

Habits

Lately, I've been thinking about my mom pretty often. I miss her so much, especially now that I am about to have a daughter on my own. I wish that I could ask her all the questions that I never thought to when she was still alive.

Most of my thoughts have centered on things she taught me when I was growing up, especially the habits that she passed on without meaning to or even being aware of it probably. They are mostly little things, like she never used wooden spoons. I've never really used them either. I'm sure that wasn't a conscious decision on her part, just a preference that she passed on.

Some other habits that I picked up from my mom:

1. Cluttered tables in the living room are the worst. Everything can be messy and it's fine, but a cluttered table makes me feel like the whole room is disgusting. 
2. It's better to keep soda in the fridge so you don't have to use much ice when you drink it. 
3. There has to be a napkin of some sort with every meal or snack. 
4. Candles are appropriate for everyday use. 
5. Colgate toothpaste is better than all the other brands. 
6. Things just aren't as clean if the cleaner you are using isn't lemon scented. 

See? They are mostly all just silly, little things. I'm sure there are still some things I do that I don't even realize are learned behaviors until someone asks why. I never noticed all the little learned habits until D and I started living together. There were a lot of debates between us about the right way to do things and the basic answer for both of us much of the time was "well, that's way my parents did it". 

It makes me want to be much more aware of all of my behaviors, especially since I am days away from having a baby. I only want Eleanor to pick up the best habits from D and I. I don't want to unintentionally be setting a bad example for her. It's weird to think that there is going to be this little person that I have such a huge impact on, even when I'm not actively trying to. It definitely makes me want to clean up my act some. 

Nice to See You Again, Morning Sickness.

Please tell me that the sarcasm in that title is obvious. It should be, really. Morning sickness is never ever nice to see... and it's not nice to experience either.

I shouldn't complain. I really shouldn't. My first trimester morning sickness was a breeze compared to most other pregnant ladies. I only threw up a total of four or five times. My nausea could mostly be controlled by making sure I ate frequent small snacks. As long as I had something in my tummy, I didn't vomit or get too crazy nauseous. It got a little worse whenever I had to be in a car, but even then it wasn't that bad.

Don't hate me please. I get it, I was super lucky.

That doesn't change the fact that my morning sickness is back and badder than ever. Still not a ton of vomiting, although in a few short weeks, I have wildly surpassed my record in the first three months. This time around, the nausea is way less predictable. Keeping my tummy full doesn't always mean I'm not going to throw up. Plus, trying to keep my stomach full is much harder considering my appetite has grown immensely in the past month or so. Seriously, I feel like I could eat as much as an olympian swimmer and be just fine with it. The problem is, my stomach is cramped for space. So eating just a little makes my stomach feel bloated, but it doesn't necessarily mean I am full. It kind of means that I am having to choose between sure fire nausea from an empty stomach or feeling overly stuffed.

Sensitivity to smells has also returned full force. That makes public bathrooms a nightmare. Nothing is worse than being in a stinky bathroom and then getting sick.

Brushing my teeth is a really bad trigger for me too. It sucks so much. It's one of the only ways to make my mouth feel less gross after getting sick, but sometimes, it causes me to get sick all over again. I just can't win. I do try to substitute mouth wash sometimes. I can tolerate that a little bit better.


I realize all of this is pretty normal morning sickness related complaints. And honestly, I don't think I would complain so much if this had all happened in the first trimester. No one told me that there was a chance it would come back in the third trimester. I wasn't prepared. I was prepared for back aches and uncomfortableness, not more vomiting. So, newly pregnant ladies, this is my warning. Morning sickness is not always just a first trimester thing. It's sneaky.

Third Trimester Terribles

Today was rough. It was partially my own fault. You see, I left my water bottle at home and we only have a few cups in the kitchen at work and they were all taken. So, I definitely had less than my normal  bajillion ounces of water (I'm exaggerating by saying a bajillion, but only slightly). With time, I have learned that water is the secret cure-all to almost all pregnancy things and when I don't drink enough, it sucks. So yeah, partially my fault, but still. The sucks.

If you google Third Trimester Pregnancy Symptoms you get a pretty long list of unpleasant things. (Is this like starting a high school paper with the dictionary defines word as blah blah blah?... that was my favorite trick to take up space). Anyway, the list is as follows:

• Weight Gain 
• Braxton Hicks Contractions 
• Backaches 
• Shortness of Breath
• Heartburn
• Swelling
• Spider Veins, Varicose Veins, and Hemorrhoids 
• Frequent Urination 
• Vaginal Discharge

I have approximately 77.7% of those symptoms. I'll let you guess which ones. I try not to complain too much because my pregnancy has been pretty easy and complication free. But today was rough. I found myself, a few times, looking down at my belly and saying, "get out Eleanor!" Then I would quickly remember that I am not full term and our car is in the shop until the end of the month. Never mind kid. Get comfortable and stay a while. (At least, until your due date). In the mean time, I've got a giant thing of off brand tums, comfortable bathrooms, a heating pad, and a glass of water to keep me company.