Mother's Day Related Thoughts

I have stared at this post so long that the words blur and don't make sense to me anymore. It's time for it to be done, even if it maybe rambles a bit and veers off course. Mother's Day is a difficult holiday for me. Having Eleanor is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, losing my mother is the worst. Both are front and center on Mother's Day.

I struggle with writing about my mother. The pain is still too raw, too close to the surface. Perhaps it always will be. I find myself not knowing how honest to be or how to explain the complicated but beautiful relationship that we had.

I fought with my mother all the time when I was growing up. We fought over religion, politics, friends, school choices and everything else under the sun. I think many teenage girls could say the same. By the time I headed off to college, things had settled quite a bit. There are moments that I remember, tiny snippets of phone conversations, that I will cherish forever. My mom made me laugh like no one else could on the phone and talking to her was always easy. I used to blog some of our conversations just because I thought they were so amusing they needed to be shared. Despite the sometimes difficult relationship we had while I was growing up, I loved my mom like no other. It was impossible to know my mom and not love her. She loved with her whole heart, quickly and without any walls. She was a natural comedian, impersonating favorite movies and making funny observations. She was quick to anger but equally quick to forgive. Every day, I miss my mother. I even miss the parts I used to complain about.

My mom loved kids, and I can't remember a single child that didn't love her back when I was growing up. It breaks my heart to think about how she would react to my daughter. She would love Eleanor so much. I wish more than anything that I could see that relationship, that my mom could have been a grandmother. I'm sad that Eleanor will never know my mother. She won't know firsthand that her Grandma Sandy (I don't even know what my mom would have wanted to be called...) loved holidays and celebrated them all with small gifts, was excellent at soothing upset stomachs, or listened to music turned up loud even early in the morning.

I'm going to try my hardest to share my memories of my mom with my daughter. But I know that those stories aren't the same as sharing the experiences. I know that she is going to love Derek's parents in a way that she won't love my mom. It's understandable but it still makes me sad. I would give anything for my mom to still be here, to be able to thank her for all of the things I never even knew she did, to see her hold my daughter.

To wrap this up on a happier note, having Eleanor this Mother's Day did make it much easier to deal with my mom not being here. I'm thankful for all of the wonderful women that were supportive and loving and present (both in person and through the internet/phone). I'm thankful for my husband, who worked so hard to make it a good weekend for me and is always willing to give me a shoulder to cry on. Mostly, I'm thankful for my daughter. My sweet, wonderful girl gives me so many reasons to be happy and such purpose.

Another Weekend Recap

Thank goodness for weekends. D and I are getting better at this parenting thing everyday, which is good considering that Eleanor is having a really rough week. The girl has been a complete grump the past few days. Having D home to be a helping hand this weekend has been such a relief. Even if she is screaming like crazy, and neither of us can do anything to console her, at least I have someone to laugh with about all the crazy things we have attempted.

I shouldn't complain too much. She has been sleeping like a champ. She only woke up once last night! She slept one stint from about 9 to 4 and then woke up for the day at 6:30. That's still a little earlier than I'd like to start my day, but I will take it. It easier to accept getting up at a ridiculous hour because Eleanor always wakes up all smiles.

We spent our Saturday exploring the East end of the valley. It was nice to get out and explore somewhere we haven't really been all that often. We found an adorable little street full of fun shops and restaurants. We walked around, eating frozen yogurt and wearing Ella. It was a surprisingly long day.

 Today, we had a lazy morning with lots of resting for me and naps for D and Eleanor. We followed that up with a walk to get donuts and a trip to the grocery. The donuts (well, I had a cinnamon bun) definitely satisfied my carb craving. At the grocery store, D got the stuff to make chili and he made us a yummy dinner when we came home.

We just finished eating and now D and a friend are practising for a foosball tournament next weekend. Don't worry... I didn't know foosball tournaments existed either before dating him. Baby Ella and I are being much more productive by watching recorded episodes of Chopped and trying out her new swing. Hope your weekend was equally successful.

Weekend Recap

I have been taking Eleanor out since she was 4 days old. The day after she came home from the hospital, we took a walk to the grocery store. She was almost two weeks old when we went to The Grove and The Farmer's Market in Hollywood for the day. It's partially for my sanity and partially because I want her to become accustom to long car rides and being out and about while she is still tiny. So far, it seems to be working.

She really likes being in the car. If she's awake though she does want her paci in, which occasionally makes for some very awkward stretching for me. We have recently started putting her in the Baby Bjorn carrier. She passes out in it. It kind of freaks me out because she burrows her head into my chest so much, but I just tickle her feet or hands every so often to make sure she is still breathing. I really enjoy wearing her. It leaves my hands free and forces me to have better posture than I do when I am just cradling her in my arms.

This weekend was low key but fun. On Saturday, we went to Chick-Fil-A for a late dinner. They have the most delicious cookies and D had been craving them for quite a well. Eleanor obviously enjoyed it.

Saturday was a bit more active. Eleanor slept amazingly well Saturday night, so I woke up feeling better than I have in about a month. It was a good thing because I had some serious shopping to do.

We went to a consignment sale in Santa Clarita. There were so many good things to look through. We were kind of hoping we might find a pack 'n play or some other portable sleep solution. We weren't so lucky in that regard. However, we got Eleanor a ton of really cute clothes. It's so easy to buy second hand baby clothes in good condition because babies outgrow things so fast. It also feels so much better spending $3 on a pair of adorable pants that are only going to fit for three months as opposed to $30. I love getting a good deal on things.

We also went to Buy Buy Baby. I had never been in one before and it was kind of amazing. There were so many fun baby things to play with. I wish we would have went there instead of Babies 'R' Us when we wanted to play with and test out infant carriers. At least now we know it exists when it's time to transition her to a bigger car seat or buy an actual stroller. We just looked around for a bit and bought a few things that we needed, like gas drops. Nothing exciting, but very necessary.

Being out and about with Eleanor so much has caused me to have very strong opinions about changing tables. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect hole in the walls or little unique places to have a changing table in their bathroom. But chains that have a kid's menu or a family restroom, should probably have a place for me to change a diaper in the bathroom. That said, we are getting pretty good at changing a baby in the car.

One Month - An Eleanor Update

I can't believe it's been a full month since we had our little lady. It's been the longest and shortest month of my life (and no, I don't even get how that's possible). We are adjusting to being parents, but honestly, I still can't believe that I am some one's mom. Crazy stuff y'all.

On to the important baby things...

Weight: 9lbs

Height: 21in.

Likes: Eleanor loves staring at lights, specifically the ones in the kitchen and the lamp on her dresser. She also is a huge fan of her Soothie pacifier, getting her hair washed (but not rinsed), and car rides.

Dislikes: Eleanor does not like having her napping in her crib or taking her vitamin drops. In her defense, the vitamin drops do smell disgusting. I wouldn't want to take them either.

She is so strong for a baby that is only a month old. She can hold her head up for a fairly long time. Tummy time is probably her favorite time of the day. She would happily sleep all day and night on her stomach if I let her, but she will continue to be put to sleep on her back until she can roll over on her own.

Eleanor is growing so fast. It's crazy how much she fills out her clothes now. The pants that were inches to long when she came home now don't need to be rolled up and her newborn onsies are to a point where they have to be stretched out before I put them on her. Ella sleeps fairly well at night, usually only waking up to eat around midnight and 4am. Sometimes though, she wakes up for seemingly no reason and then it's a pain to get her back to sleep. She eats pretty much every two hours during the day still (but can go much longer at night, thankfully). She grins after eating while drifting off to sleep. It's the cutest. Even though she smiles then, there have been no signs of any social smiles yet. She is usually happy when we are out and about, mostly sleeping all cuddled up in her car seat.

I can't wait to see what the coming months bring.

I have a love/hate relationship with a pacifier.

Before having Eleanor, I was totally in favor of pacifier usage. I intended to be an awesome breastfeeding lady and wait a full 4 weeks before introducing any kind of artificial nipple (bottle included). Yeah, that didn't happen. By the end of the first week, I had stuck a pacifier in the kid's mouth. She LOVED it.

We tried a Nuk and she wasn't a fan but she adores her Soothies. She adores it so much that she wants it in her mouth pretty much anytime she is awake and not eating. She is still a great eater and if she is hungry, she spits the pacifier out. So, for us at least, nipple confusion is not an issue at all. That said, we do have an issue of her not knowing how to use her hands. Her favorite thing to do is to grab the pacifier and pull it from her mouth. She then screams like someone just tortured her. Poor girl doesn't realize she did it herself.

I love the fact that the Soothie actually does sooth her but I am so over having to put it back in her mouth every five minutes or listen to her scream when she throws it onto the floor and has to wait for it to be washed. I will be really glad when she figures out the whole hand-eye coordination thing.

Eleanor's corner

We are lucky enough to have an extra room in our house right now but it is a shared office space. I didn't feel comfortable taking that shared space and using it for Eleanor, and I also didn't really like the idea of having her in another room. While it would have been really fun to decorate an entire nursery, she would never have used it. She would have slept in our room and the nursery would have been ignored.

That said, I had to have some kind of space for her to decorate and make comfy. We turned a corner of our room into Eleanor's corner. She has her crib, dresser, and storage bins. It's a great solution for us right now.

We have a baby!

The last thing I wrote about was being disappointed and frustrated with my body. While those feelings were so very true then, I can happily say they are no longer present. My body kicked ass. We have a wonderful, healthy daughter. I'm so thankful for that.

We decided on my doctor's appointment on the 18th of March to proceed with a c-section. My body hadn't made any changes and wasn't showing any signs of labor. Eleanor was still floating and didn't seem to want to descend at all. The waiting and wondering was driving me crazy. I was worried about how our little girl was doing in there. My doctor was concerned with her size and continued aging. I could have pushed harder to still try for an induction, but I trusted my doctor and my body. The fact that there was no sign of impending labor felt like a warning sign to me, and I mostly just wanted to know my baby was okay.

My doctor scheduled the c-section for the next day. I wasn't quite prepared for it to be that soon, but he was eager to get her out. The rest of that Monday was crazy. There were so many things to do. I had to completely rethink what I was taking to the hospital and what my expectations were. We rushed trying to finish last minute house projects. I tried not to think about it too much because it made me nervous.

We were scheduled to be at the hospital at 11:30 on Tuesday, the 19, to start the process of having our baby. The c-section was scheduled for 1:30. I couldn't eat anything that morning so I mostly took my time getting ready, thinking about big changes, and having one crazy breakdown in the shower where I was convinced that I was going to die. No seriously. I was that terrified. I even wrote letters to D and Eleanor just in case. I didn't share my fear with anyone really. I mean, D knew, but we didn't talk about it. It was because I didn't want anyone to accidentally confirm that I wasn't crazy and something could go wrong. It was better to keep telling myself that I am crazy and over react to things.

Once we left for the hospital, the fear started to dissipate. I had to have a c-section. I had to have my baby. There was no turning back. At the hospital, I met my amazing nurse, Brandy. She was super sweet and really tried to put me at ease. She was also super great at interacting with D and his mom, who I had decided could also be in the room. She did mess up on the first IV attempt but was very apologetic and rocked the second one.

My doctor got there a bit before 1:30 and I signed all the final papers. They took me back to put in the spinal block. It's funny really... they have to roll you back to the operating room in a bed, but then they make you walk into the operating room. The table is very slim and I had to sit with my back hunched over and my knees straight out for the spinal block. I was alone for this part, besides two nurses and the anesthesiologist. Part of the reason I was originally so opposed to a c-section was because I was terrified of any kind of epidural or spinal block. I was so nervous about something going wrong with it and the fact that I wouldn't be able to feel or control my body caused so much anxiety. This is the one part I have a little regret about. Everyone in the room got very quiet and and I knew something wasn't quite right. I felt myself getting more and more nervous, and wanted so badly to know what was going on, but was afraid to ask. It turns out, it just took a few attempts, which isn't that surprising, but it would have made me feel better to know that while sitting uncomfortably on an operating table while a baby burrowed into my ribs.

After the spinal block was in, things started moving very quickly. My hospital doesn't tie your hands down which I was so thankful for, but they do put them out on these little side arm things. I could see my body reflected in the overhead light, so I watched them as they taped me into position and washed me off with iodine. It was weird because I could see it and knew it was happening but had very little in the way of sensation.

My doctor and the other doctors and nurses came in very shortly after that. The first thing my doctor did was come over and ask me if I was ok. I was completely fine but the fact that he asked made me feel really safe or something. I am forever thankful that I found him from a random internet search. I did start to feel like I couldn't breath, but Brandy had warned me that would happen, and also explained that I could look at one of the machines and see that my oxygen level was actually fine. The fact that she explained it in advance kept me so much calmer than I otherwise would have been.

Soon after my doctor came in, D and his mom got to join. D was right by my shoulder, touching my face, and asking me if I was okay. His presence made me so much more comfortable. Things started moving so fast then that everything seems to get a little hazy. I do remember trying to tell D about hearing my doctor ask someone to hold something and knowing that it was probably some surgical instrument but having this mental image of it being some organ. He couldn't really hear me though... I think he was overwhelmed by everything going on in the room. It seems like it was mere seconds and my doctor was saying, "I have my hand on your baby." She had the cord wrapped around her neck twice. We think that's probably why she never descended. Honestly, I feel like something bad may have happened had I pushed for a vaginal delivery instead. Eleanor and my body knew more than I did in this case.

The anesthesiologist placed a mirror so I could see my doctor take Eleanor out. It was the single most amazing moment of my life. I probably would not have opted for the mirror in advance but I am so glad I didn't miss it. It wasn't gross or disgusting. It was my baby, safe and finally here. I don't think I stopped crying or uttering the words "that's my baby" until they finally took her out of the operating room and into recovery.

D got to go over with her while they cleaned her up and he got to cut her cord. He has a phobia about all things related to blood and needles. During my pregnancy, he had been very ambivalent about cutting the cord at all. I was so proud that he did. He did report back that it was much tougher to get through than he had imagined it would be. Once she was clean, she was brought back to my side and I got to touch her and kiss her. I definitely didn't want to let her go.

She did have to be taken out to the recovery room though. D and his mom got to go with her. Meanwhile, the doctors finished closing me up. I couldn't feel anything but pressure and kind of tugging, but at one point it did feel like a hard punch into my upper right abdomen. That was probably the worst moment of the actual c-section.

It wasn't very long before I was wheeled into recovery room and Eleanor was immediately placed on my chest. We had an hour to ourselves, to get acquainted. The three of us. D did call his dad and my aunt while we were there. I got Ella to latch on and eat. The hour was over way too soon and they took her away, again accompanied by D, for a bath and some eye ointment. I got very antsy when she was gone that time, to the point that I made D's mom go and find out where my baby was. Turns out they were also doing a lot of paperwork and such.

It was maybe two hours that we were in recovery before I was finally wheeled to my room. I still couldn't move my lower body, even though I was starting to be able to feel more. It took until the next day for me to start really feeling in control again. Having the IV and other things removed helped a ton with that though. The hospital stay went by really quickly and I was so excited to go home. MY doctor came in on day three, and asked when I wanted to go home. I kind of shocked D when I was like right now. D and I had talked about it briefly beforehand and I hadn't been able to make up my mind one way or the other. But for some reason, when the doctor asked, I knew I wanted to go home with our baby.

I have been insanely lucky up to now. My recovery has been easy, and two weeks post partum, I feel incredible. I am more worried about accidentally pushing myself too hard because I keep forgetting that I had abdominal surgery two weeks ago.

Eleanor's birth was not at all what I had imagined, but it was exactly what it was supposed to be. I'm so happy to have my sweet girl and am incredibly happy with the way that everything went.

8lbs 10oz, 20 in, perfect