Mother's Day Related Thoughts

I have stared at this post so long that the words blur and don't make sense to me anymore. It's time for it to be done, even if it maybe rambles a bit and veers off course. Mother's Day is a difficult holiday for me. Having Eleanor is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, losing my mother is the worst. Both are front and center on Mother's Day.

I struggle with writing about my mother. The pain is still too raw, too close to the surface. Perhaps it always will be. I find myself not knowing how honest to be or how to explain the complicated but beautiful relationship that we had.

I fought with my mother all the time when I was growing up. We fought over religion, politics, friends, school choices and everything else under the sun. I think many teenage girls could say the same. By the time I headed off to college, things had settled quite a bit. There are moments that I remember, tiny snippets of phone conversations, that I will cherish forever. My mom made me laugh like no one else could on the phone and talking to her was always easy. I used to blog some of our conversations just because I thought they were so amusing they needed to be shared. Despite the sometimes difficult relationship we had while I was growing up, I loved my mom like no other. It was impossible to know my mom and not love her. She loved with her whole heart, quickly and without any walls. She was a natural comedian, impersonating favorite movies and making funny observations. She was quick to anger but equally quick to forgive. Every day, I miss my mother. I even miss the parts I used to complain about.

My mom loved kids, and I can't remember a single child that didn't love her back when I was growing up. It breaks my heart to think about how she would react to my daughter. She would love Eleanor so much. I wish more than anything that I could see that relationship, that my mom could have been a grandmother. I'm sad that Eleanor will never know my mother. She won't know firsthand that her Grandma Sandy (I don't even know what my mom would have wanted to be called...) loved holidays and celebrated them all with small gifts, was excellent at soothing upset stomachs, or listened to music turned up loud even early in the morning.

I'm going to try my hardest to share my memories of my mom with my daughter. But I know that those stories aren't the same as sharing the experiences. I know that she is going to love Derek's parents in a way that she won't love my mom. It's understandable but it still makes me sad. I would give anything for my mom to still be here, to be able to thank her for all of the things I never even knew she did, to see her hold my daughter.

To wrap this up on a happier note, having Eleanor this Mother's Day did make it much easier to deal with my mom not being here. I'm thankful for all of the wonderful women that were supportive and loving and present (both in person and through the internet/phone). I'm thankful for my husband, who worked so hard to make it a good weekend for me and is always willing to give me a shoulder to cry on. Mostly, I'm thankful for my daughter. My sweet, wonderful girl gives me so many reasons to be happy and such purpose.