I feel... blah

Since having Eleanor, I am really struggling to feel good about myself physically. I've never been in great shape or thought I was particularly hot or anything. But there was a certain amount of comfort that came with being familiar with my body, flaws and all, for the better part of my life. I even liked my body most of the time when I was pregnant. Well, my stomach at least. I hated that my face got all fat. I had multiple chins my entire pregnancy it seems.

Post pregnancy body is the worst. I technically weigh the same as I did before being pregnant, but nothing about my body is the same. My hips are wider, everything is flabbier. I still look like I'm a few months pregnant. It's gross. It makes me feel gross. I'm working on being more active and setting goals to exercise. It's just not the easiest thing to do when there is a new baby in the house though, you know? I really need to just find a way to do it. Eating better would help too, but not as much as exercising would.

Feeling bad about my body is only compounded by the fact that none of my old clothes fit. Pre baby jeans are too tight and pregnancy jeans just fall down. I'm pretty much limited to wearing leggings right now. And yes, I do realize that leggings aren't pants, but they are the only thing that fit me right now (I'm so channeling Regina George for that sentence). I can still wear some of my dresses, but they aren't as flattering by any means. I'm hoping that if/when there is another baby, it comes out in winter. I would love to be able just to cover up in cute sweaters and lot of layers for another few months. It's too hot for that though.

I need a wardrobe overhaul anyway. I don't know how to dress as a mom. I was still trying to master dressing as a non-college student when I got pregnant. It's difficult to find clothes that don't feel too old or too young. I think I could do it if I could take my body out of the equation. On paper, I have great style. In my closet, limited by sizing options and money, not so much.

I'm not sure why I am putting all of this out into the internet. Maybe to keep myself accountable? I don't want to still feel this way six months from now. If I do, the internet can shame me appropriately.

Mother's Day Related Thoughts

I have stared at this post so long that the words blur and don't make sense to me anymore. It's time for it to be done, even if it maybe rambles a bit and veers off course. Mother's Day is a difficult holiday for me. Having Eleanor is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, losing my mother is the worst. Both are front and center on Mother's Day.

I struggle with writing about my mother. The pain is still too raw, too close to the surface. Perhaps it always will be. I find myself not knowing how honest to be or how to explain the complicated but beautiful relationship that we had.

I fought with my mother all the time when I was growing up. We fought over religion, politics, friends, school choices and everything else under the sun. I think many teenage girls could say the same. By the time I headed off to college, things had settled quite a bit. There are moments that I remember, tiny snippets of phone conversations, that I will cherish forever. My mom made me laugh like no one else could on the phone and talking to her was always easy. I used to blog some of our conversations just because I thought they were so amusing they needed to be shared. Despite the sometimes difficult relationship we had while I was growing up, I loved my mom like no other. It was impossible to know my mom and not love her. She loved with her whole heart, quickly and without any walls. She was a natural comedian, impersonating favorite movies and making funny observations. She was quick to anger but equally quick to forgive. Every day, I miss my mother. I even miss the parts I used to complain about.

My mom loved kids, and I can't remember a single child that didn't love her back when I was growing up. It breaks my heart to think about how she would react to my daughter. She would love Eleanor so much. I wish more than anything that I could see that relationship, that my mom could have been a grandmother. I'm sad that Eleanor will never know my mother. She won't know firsthand that her Grandma Sandy (I don't even know what my mom would have wanted to be called...) loved holidays and celebrated them all with small gifts, was excellent at soothing upset stomachs, or listened to music turned up loud even early in the morning.

I'm going to try my hardest to share my memories of my mom with my daughter. But I know that those stories aren't the same as sharing the experiences. I know that she is going to love Derek's parents in a way that she won't love my mom. It's understandable but it still makes me sad. I would give anything for my mom to still be here, to be able to thank her for all of the things I never even knew she did, to see her hold my daughter.

To wrap this up on a happier note, having Eleanor this Mother's Day did make it much easier to deal with my mom not being here. I'm thankful for all of the wonderful women that were supportive and loving and present (both in person and through the internet/phone). I'm thankful for my husband, who worked so hard to make it a good weekend for me and is always willing to give me a shoulder to cry on. Mostly, I'm thankful for my daughter. My sweet, wonderful girl gives me so many reasons to be happy and such purpose.

Another Weekend Recap

Thank goodness for weekends. D and I are getting better at this parenting thing everyday, which is good considering that Eleanor is having a really rough week. The girl has been a complete grump the past few days. Having D home to be a helping hand this weekend has been such a relief. Even if she is screaming like crazy, and neither of us can do anything to console her, at least I have someone to laugh with about all the crazy things we have attempted.

I shouldn't complain too much. She has been sleeping like a champ. She only woke up once last night! She slept one stint from about 9 to 4 and then woke up for the day at 6:30. That's still a little earlier than I'd like to start my day, but I will take it. It easier to accept getting up at a ridiculous hour because Eleanor always wakes up all smiles.

We spent our Saturday exploring the East end of the valley. It was nice to get out and explore somewhere we haven't really been all that often. We found an adorable little street full of fun shops and restaurants. We walked around, eating frozen yogurt and wearing Ella. It was a surprisingly long day.

 Today, we had a lazy morning with lots of resting for me and naps for D and Eleanor. We followed that up with a walk to get donuts and a trip to the grocery. The donuts (well, I had a cinnamon bun) definitely satisfied my carb craving. At the grocery store, D got the stuff to make chili and he made us a yummy dinner when we came home.

We just finished eating and now D and a friend are practising for a foosball tournament next weekend. Don't worry... I didn't know foosball tournaments existed either before dating him. Baby Ella and I are being much more productive by watching recorded episodes of Chopped and trying out her new swing. Hope your weekend was equally successful.

Weekend Recap

I have been taking Eleanor out since she was 4 days old. The day after she came home from the hospital, we took a walk to the grocery store. She was almost two weeks old when we went to The Grove and The Farmer's Market in Hollywood for the day. It's partially for my sanity and partially because I want her to become accustom to long car rides and being out and about while she is still tiny. So far, it seems to be working.

She really likes being in the car. If she's awake though she does want her paci in, which occasionally makes for some very awkward stretching for me. We have recently started putting her in the Baby Bjorn carrier. She passes out in it. It kind of freaks me out because she burrows her head into my chest so much, but I just tickle her feet or hands every so often to make sure she is still breathing. I really enjoy wearing her. It leaves my hands free and forces me to have better posture than I do when I am just cradling her in my arms.

This weekend was low key but fun. On Saturday, we went to Chick-Fil-A for a late dinner. They have the most delicious cookies and D had been craving them for quite a well. Eleanor obviously enjoyed it.

Saturday was a bit more active. Eleanor slept amazingly well Saturday night, so I woke up feeling better than I have in about a month. It was a good thing because I had some serious shopping to do.

We went to a consignment sale in Santa Clarita. There were so many good things to look through. We were kind of hoping we might find a pack 'n play or some other portable sleep solution. We weren't so lucky in that regard. However, we got Eleanor a ton of really cute clothes. It's so easy to buy second hand baby clothes in good condition because babies outgrow things so fast. It also feels so much better spending $3 on a pair of adorable pants that are only going to fit for three months as opposed to $30. I love getting a good deal on things.

We also went to Buy Buy Baby. I had never been in one before and it was kind of amazing. There were so many fun baby things to play with. I wish we would have went there instead of Babies 'R' Us when we wanted to play with and test out infant carriers. At least now we know it exists when it's time to transition her to a bigger car seat or buy an actual stroller. We just looked around for a bit and bought a few things that we needed, like gas drops. Nothing exciting, but very necessary.

Being out and about with Eleanor so much has caused me to have very strong opinions about changing tables. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect hole in the walls or little unique places to have a changing table in their bathroom. But chains that have a kid's menu or a family restroom, should probably have a place for me to change a diaper in the bathroom. That said, we are getting pretty good at changing a baby in the car.

One Month - An Eleanor Update

I can't believe it's been a full month since we had our little lady. It's been the longest and shortest month of my life (and no, I don't even get how that's possible). We are adjusting to being parents, but honestly, I still can't believe that I am some one's mom. Crazy stuff y'all.

On to the important baby things...

Weight: 9lbs

Height: 21in.

Likes: Eleanor loves staring at lights, specifically the ones in the kitchen and the lamp on her dresser. She also is a huge fan of her Soothie pacifier, getting her hair washed (but not rinsed), and car rides.

Dislikes: Eleanor does not like having her napping in her crib or taking her vitamin drops. In her defense, the vitamin drops do smell disgusting. I wouldn't want to take them either.

She is so strong for a baby that is only a month old. She can hold her head up for a fairly long time. Tummy time is probably her favorite time of the day. She would happily sleep all day and night on her stomach if I let her, but she will continue to be put to sleep on her back until she can roll over on her own.

Eleanor is growing so fast. It's crazy how much she fills out her clothes now. The pants that were inches to long when she came home now don't need to be rolled up and her newborn onsies are to a point where they have to be stretched out before I put them on her. Ella sleeps fairly well at night, usually only waking up to eat around midnight and 4am. Sometimes though, she wakes up for seemingly no reason and then it's a pain to get her back to sleep. She eats pretty much every two hours during the day still (but can go much longer at night, thankfully). She grins after eating while drifting off to sleep. It's the cutest. Even though she smiles then, there have been no signs of any social smiles yet. She is usually happy when we are out and about, mostly sleeping all cuddled up in her car seat.

I can't wait to see what the coming months bring.

I have a love/hate relationship with a pacifier.

Before having Eleanor, I was totally in favor of pacifier usage. I intended to be an awesome breastfeeding lady and wait a full 4 weeks before introducing any kind of artificial nipple (bottle included). Yeah, that didn't happen. By the end of the first week, I had stuck a pacifier in the kid's mouth. She LOVED it.

We tried a Nuk and she wasn't a fan but she adores her Soothies. She adores it so much that she wants it in her mouth pretty much anytime she is awake and not eating. She is still a great eater and if she is hungry, she spits the pacifier out. So, for us at least, nipple confusion is not an issue at all. That said, we do have an issue of her not knowing how to use her hands. Her favorite thing to do is to grab the pacifier and pull it from her mouth. She then screams like someone just tortured her. Poor girl doesn't realize she did it herself.

I love the fact that the Soothie actually does sooth her but I am so over having to put it back in her mouth every five minutes or listen to her scream when she throws it onto the floor and has to wait for it to be washed. I will be really glad when she figures out the whole hand-eye coordination thing.

Eleanor's corner

We are lucky enough to have an extra room in our house right now but it is a shared office space. I didn't feel comfortable taking that shared space and using it for Eleanor, and I also didn't really like the idea of having her in another room. While it would have been really fun to decorate an entire nursery, she would never have used it. She would have slept in our room and the nursery would have been ignored.

That said, I had to have some kind of space for her to decorate and make comfy. We turned a corner of our room into Eleanor's corner. She has her crib, dresser, and storage bins. It's a great solution for us right now.