Being a Grown Up

I posted this picture to my facebook last night. My cousin commented about how I seemed so grown up. It was funny to me. Partially because the picture demonstrates my complete silliness at making faces to mimic my baby and partially because I don't often feel grown up. Most days, I still feel like a 15 year old. I wish there was someone telling me what to do. On a fairly regular basis I can be heard asking my husband what I should be when I grow up. That's so not a question grown ups ask.

Despite the fact that I feel so uncertain in so many parts of my life, I do feel a certain sense of comfort when it comes to parenting Eleanor. Sure, those first few weeks I felt a little like I was drowning, but not anymore. I'm confident in the decisions I make regarding her. Even when I am frustrated, I rarely second guess myself or even worry about what others are thinking. It's a nice feeling. I guess she has made me grow up in some ways that I had not really noticed.

If this is being a grown up, I guess it's not as bad as I thought it would be. It would be even better if someone could pay all my bills for me though. Ha.

Introducing Evie

Since she was part of the inspiration for the title of this blog, I thought it was finally time to introduce Evie to the internet.

She is our little cat. At a year and a half old, she is still a total kitten.

We adopted Evie from the West Valley Animal Shelter about 6 months after we adopted our first cat. He needed some feisty little cat to keep him company during the day while D and I were at work. Evie was in the featured cage in the hallway. She was climbing up the sides and being a total little show off. D and I fell pretty hard for this tiny, adventure-seeking kitten. Now though, when we curse her mischiveous ways, we think back to the little kitten climbing its cage and wonder why we weren't prepared for a total trouble maker.

Evie is basically the Dory (from Finding Nemo) of cats. She forgets things five minutes after they happen and every day is an adventure full of surprises. While adorable, it can get old. We recently had to put baby proof locks on the bottom cabinets to keep Evie from climbing in them to take naps. At least she doesn't chew through cords anymore.

As much trouble as she can be, it's hard to stay mad at her. She loves sitting in the windows and making noises at the birds that fly by. She's also pretty much always purring. It's impossible to yell at a cat when it's purring and trying to cuddle on your lap.

The Littlest Plan Ruiner

I love three day weekends. Having D home for an extra day feels so special, even more so now that I spend all of my days at home with Eleanor.

I had such wonderful plans for this Memorial Day Weekend. We were planning on just lounging around the house, having slow cuddly days bookended with yummy meals. While that kind of happened on Saturday, with a pancake breakfast and steak dinner, it was terribly interrupted by a very irritable Eleanor. Today was not much better.

The poor girl seems to not be feeling so well. She has spent a good portion of today and yesterday crying inconsolably and refusing to nurse. The refusal to nurse is frustrating for me because it's my job to feed her, and when I can't, I feel like I am failing.  It also sucks for D to spend his limited home time with such a fussy girl.

Tomorrow, we are driving down to San Diego to pick up D's sister. She is going to visit for a few days. I'm holding out hope that Ella feels a little better and doesn't cry so much. She usually does really good in her car seat, especially for decently long drives.

I guess this has been my first real lesson in the baby completely not acting in a way that goes along with my imagined plans. Still, the weather has been lovely and my husband has been home, so it's a great weekend. Even though my baby is cranky, I'm going to appreciate this weekend.

10 Favorite Photos From Month 2

*Almost all of these were taken on my phone. My poor camera is so neglected. I'm gonna work on that. 

2 Months - An Eleanor Update

Weight: 10 lbs 9 oz

Height: 22.5 in.

Likes: Eleanor loves the lady bug on her bouncing chair toy bar, bath time, and taking walks in the Baby Bjorn.

Dislikes: Eleanor does not like being woken up or napping without being held (the exception to that is the Baby Bjorn).

Milestones: She rolls over from front to back, smiles socially, and has started to discover and use her hands. She is great at tracking objects and holding her head up.

Eleanor is such a good baby. I do need to start trying to get her to nap without being held because the girl is a total grump without her nap and you know, it's hard for me to sit perfectly still for 2ish hours. She gets more and more fun each day. It's such a wonderful feeling to have her smile at me when I walk up to her crib or swing or whatever. It's nice to see her start recognizing other people and things too (like daddy and Mr. ladybug).

I feel... blah

Since having Eleanor, I am really struggling to feel good about myself physically. I've never been in great shape or thought I was particularly hot or anything. But there was a certain amount of comfort that came with being familiar with my body, flaws and all, for the better part of my life. I even liked my body most of the time when I was pregnant. Well, my stomach at least. I hated that my face got all fat. I had multiple chins my entire pregnancy it seems.

Post pregnancy body is the worst. I technically weigh the same as I did before being pregnant, but nothing about my body is the same. My hips are wider, everything is flabbier. I still look like I'm a few months pregnant. It's gross. It makes me feel gross. I'm working on being more active and setting goals to exercise. It's just not the easiest thing to do when there is a new baby in the house though, you know? I really need to just find a way to do it. Eating better would help too, but not as much as exercising would.

Feeling bad about my body is only compounded by the fact that none of my old clothes fit. Pre baby jeans are too tight and pregnancy jeans just fall down. I'm pretty much limited to wearing leggings right now. And yes, I do realize that leggings aren't pants, but they are the only thing that fit me right now (I'm so channeling Regina George for that sentence). I can still wear some of my dresses, but they aren't as flattering by any means. I'm hoping that if/when there is another baby, it comes out in winter. I would love to be able just to cover up in cute sweaters and lot of layers for another few months. It's too hot for that though.

I need a wardrobe overhaul anyway. I don't know how to dress as a mom. I was still trying to master dressing as a non-college student when I got pregnant. It's difficult to find clothes that don't feel too old or too young. I think I could do it if I could take my body out of the equation. On paper, I have great style. In my closet, limited by sizing options and money, not so much.

I'm not sure why I am putting all of this out into the internet. Maybe to keep myself accountable? I don't want to still feel this way six months from now. If I do, the internet can shame me appropriately.

Mother's Day Related Thoughts

I have stared at this post so long that the words blur and don't make sense to me anymore. It's time for it to be done, even if it maybe rambles a bit and veers off course. Mother's Day is a difficult holiday for me. Having Eleanor is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, losing my mother is the worst. Both are front and center on Mother's Day.

I struggle with writing about my mother. The pain is still too raw, too close to the surface. Perhaps it always will be. I find myself not knowing how honest to be or how to explain the complicated but beautiful relationship that we had.

I fought with my mother all the time when I was growing up. We fought over religion, politics, friends, school choices and everything else under the sun. I think many teenage girls could say the same. By the time I headed off to college, things had settled quite a bit. There are moments that I remember, tiny snippets of phone conversations, that I will cherish forever. My mom made me laugh like no one else could on the phone and talking to her was always easy. I used to blog some of our conversations just because I thought they were so amusing they needed to be shared. Despite the sometimes difficult relationship we had while I was growing up, I loved my mom like no other. It was impossible to know my mom and not love her. She loved with her whole heart, quickly and without any walls. She was a natural comedian, impersonating favorite movies and making funny observations. She was quick to anger but equally quick to forgive. Every day, I miss my mother. I even miss the parts I used to complain about.

My mom loved kids, and I can't remember a single child that didn't love her back when I was growing up. It breaks my heart to think about how she would react to my daughter. She would love Eleanor so much. I wish more than anything that I could see that relationship, that my mom could have been a grandmother. I'm sad that Eleanor will never know my mother. She won't know firsthand that her Grandma Sandy (I don't even know what my mom would have wanted to be called...) loved holidays and celebrated them all with small gifts, was excellent at soothing upset stomachs, or listened to music turned up loud even early in the morning.

I'm going to try my hardest to share my memories of my mom with my daughter. But I know that those stories aren't the same as sharing the experiences. I know that she is going to love Derek's parents in a way that she won't love my mom. It's understandable but it still makes me sad. I would give anything for my mom to still be here, to be able to thank her for all of the things I never even knew she did, to see her hold my daughter.

To wrap this up on a happier note, having Eleanor this Mother's Day did make it much easier to deal with my mom not being here. I'm thankful for all of the wonderful women that were supportive and loving and present (both in person and through the internet/phone). I'm thankful for my husband, who worked so hard to make it a good weekend for me and is always willing to give me a shoulder to cry on. Mostly, I'm thankful for my daughter. My sweet, wonderful girl gives me so many reasons to be happy and such purpose.